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There’s nothing better than feeling the sparks fly on a first date, right? Not according to dating experts with InStyle. We like to think that instant connection means things are off to a great start, but it turns out that love at first sight feeling probably isn’t sustainable. Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, told InStyle that some people are just “very sparky” and they may be really good at flirting and getting people to like them. And sometimes, that spark is more of an indication of how charming they are and less a sign of a shared connection.

Matchmakers agree and say the spark can be superficial. Instead of the initial spark, what you really want is chemistry that can “simmer” and slowly burn over time. So if you don’t feel fireworks on the first date, don’t write someone off right away. Ury explains that not having a spark doesn’t “predict failure, and it’s presence doesn’t guarantee success.” Being patient can pay off, but how long should you play the waiting game? 5-6 dates seems to be the sweet spot.

And how can you tell when it’s time to throw in the towel? Ury created a list of questions to ask yourself after every date called the Post Date Eight to help you figure it out:

  1. What side of me did they bring out?
  2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
  3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
  4. Is there something about them I’m curious about?
  5. Did they make me laugh?
  6. Did I feel heard?
  7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?
  8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

Source: InStyle